Collection Of Funny Tweets That Will Make Your Day

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andcallmeshirley
Dec 4, 2019 1:08 PM EST
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  • 01
    Text - Mela @mela_shea The only thing I know for certain is that money doesn't grow on trees because we don't want giraffes eating all our money. Greedy fucking giraffes. 11:38 AM 11/17/19 Twitter for iPhone
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  • 02
    Text - mark @markedly Accidentally said "shh" instead of "slow down" and a kid silently ran into a glass door
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  • 03
    Text - JB @JBwol Shout out to my Dad who has accidentally listed 600 seals and 180 for sale on Facebook sdnd of their Peter posted an item for sale. 2 hrs Seals and pups MESSAGE Contact seller Seals and pups all along Horsea beach. 600 seals including 180 pups. Now in the nelson head pub at horsea +3
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  • 04
    Text - javier @athleisure_monk donating my body to science in the hopes of hindering its progress
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  • 05
    Music - ootces
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  • 06
    Text - Jon @ArfMeasures Gameshow host: Now you go into that booth Me: Oh yes to confess my sins Gameshow host: what no Me *into mic* I kicked a goose
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  • 07
    Text - eric curtin @dubstep4dads got his ass Donald J. Trump Donald J. Trump @realDonald Trump @realDonaldTrump yo i know who the new isis leader is Taking some time off being 3:56 PM president... need to think abou Tell me 3:56 PM some stuff :/ It's you bro.. 3:56 PM 2:51 PM 11/1/19 Twitter for iPhone 2 unread messages 14.7K Retweets 69.1K Likes Fuck Omg this messed me up... 7:07 PM 11/1/19 Twitter for iPhone 5,122 Retweets 44K Likes
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  • 08
    Text - blake @Leemanish I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall - & I'm like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
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  • 09
    Text - Kellen @captainkalvis saying "im baby" - boring -unoriginal - sounds like fingernails on a chalkboard saying "im daddy's little piss goblin" - sexy - fresh - sounds like angels singing 9:31 PM 11/15/19 from Los Angeles, CA Twitter for Android 107 Retweets 631 Likes
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  • 10
    Text - b.b @benoobrown Just seen a tweet saying "it's mad how you never see anyone With the same oven as you" and now I can't stop thinking about it >
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  • 11
    Text - Top Shelf Sweetie @InternetHippo seeing a jokemaking fun of a hypothetical person who's older than me* Lmao get his decrepit ass *seeing a joke making fun of a person my age* Frankly I don't think that's accurate
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  • 12
    Text - President Warren G. Harding @PopeAwesomeXIII Long Island Ice Tea implies the existence of Long Island Mariska Hargitay.
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  • 13
    Text - Andy Matthews @stupidoldandy Oh, so when other ppl call their pets "fur baby" its fine but when I call a kid a "skin dog" somehow I'm "disgusting" and "the worst pediatrician in this hospital"??
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  • 14
    Text - everett byram @rad_milk remaining shirtless while the plumber is over fixing what i did to the toilet in order to assert dominance
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  • 15
    Text - Donald J. Trump @realDonald Trump Taking some time off being president... need to think about some stuff:/ 2:51 PM 11/1/19 Twitter for iPhone 14.7K Retweets 69.1K Likes
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  • 16
    Text - Beans After Dark @goodbeanalt brain: knows NYE stands for new my years eve brain: new york eity also my
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  • 17
    Text - Rookie City Sergeant @RookieCityCop Grabbed a coffee mug this morning to walk my daughter to the bus stop. Took coffee with me and drank my it while I talked to other parents for about 10 minutes. The coffee mug was from my wife's bachelorette party. It said "Same Penis Forever" So how's your Monday?
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  • 18
    Text - Anonymous said Most predators will have reason to kill, such as for food, or to protect their young. The horse is one of the few predators to kill purely for sport. girlbian This is......a lesbian positivity blog Source: girlbian
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  • 19
    christina @floozyesq when the barkeep doesn't keep the milkbones coming SERTTLE
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  • 20
    Text - Bea_ker @bea_ker Girls say they want a partner in crime then get annoyed when you make them an accessory to wire fraud
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  • 21
    Text - Doing fine, stop asking @InternetHippo I will never "solve for x" | have my own problems and x can take care of itself
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  • 22
    Text - Inkosi @Toyjohs This is not friendship weather. Stop inviting me to places
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  • 23
    Text - Viktor Winetrout @Cpin42 My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
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  • 24
    Text - m@thew @TweetPotato314 going to start calling shorts pants and pants longs to see how the matrix deals with the disruption 7:53 AM 09 Nov 19 Twitter for iPhone 42 Retweets 318 Likes m@thew @TweetPotato3 14 09 Nov so far I've said it three times and stubbed my toe once. possibly unrelated idk
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  • 25
    Text - # 3 sisterwife but #1 in his heart @TamikaVST all day long i screenshot funny things and for what? for who?
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  • 26
    Text - DougExeter @Doug_Exeter frantically googling "what day is wife birthday" while careening through traffic
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  • 27
    Text - Doing fine, stop asking @InternetHippo ifi were a legendary movie director my quirky trademark would be the bad guys always have boston accents. no reason for it. you want me to do star wars? jabba the hutt is from new england
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  • 28
    Text - Dr. Bucky Turkeytope @Buckylsotope "What are you thinking about, Piglet." said Pooh Piglet paused. "Do you really want to know, Pooh?" "Oh yes I do," said Pooh, "I so very much do." "Well then," said Piglet. "I wish you'd put on some fucking pants."
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  • 29
    Text - vladchoc @vladchoc Is it too much to ask to just stand on a mountain, holding my sword aloft as lightning strikes it without some asshole painting me?
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  • 30
    Text - Grean deamon @hippieswordfish DATE: tell me about you ME: i found a skeleton in the ballpit at mcdonalds D: why were u even in there M: *shaking salt into my mouth * what
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  • 31
    Text - randy @leakypod hey, mom? it's me again. ur like 100% sure u havent fucked any guys who play call of duty right lol
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  • 32
    Forehead
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  • 33
    Text - Viktor Winetrout @Cpin42 Everyone in HR is jealous of my sword
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  • 34
    Hardwood - thanksgiving is about mashed potatoes @oigevalt you ever call a cat only to have them look an entirely different direction? or is Dido even stupider than I thought
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  • 35
    Text - Riley Breckenridge @rileybreck "100%" is doing a pretty good job of replacing words like "absolutely", "definitely", and "totally" in casual conversation. I'm so tempted to start dropping random percentages instead. "You know 'And Justice For All' is the best Metallica album." "Oh, yeah. 83%, man."
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  • 36
    Text - brent @murrman5 dropping my xbox on the front lawn and a bunch of firefighters wrestling me to the ground because im tryna back in for the controllers go
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  • 37
    Text - Jon @ArfMeasures Doctor: So what's wrong with you? Me: Oh God so so much Doctor: Medically Me: oh I have a cough
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  • 38
    Text - mike toole @miketoole It's almost the holiday season in NYC, so you know what that means: tourists jet skiing in the East River. Smart to do it now before the December rush.
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  • 39
    Text - oats @oats (weezer Beverley hills voice) mentally ill 12:59 PM 11/13/19 Twitter for iPhone 22.8K Retweets 91.3K Likes
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  • 40
    Text - logan @brainwxrms IOWA caffeine doesn't do it anymore i need someone to text me "we need to talk" 3:48 PM 11/14/19 Twitter for iPhone 29.3K Retwe ets 155K Likes
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  • 41
    Text - Kellen @captainkalvis original tweet: squidward was such a dick to spongebob 1st reply: squidward wasnt а dick he introvert was an 56th reply: you're a marxist fuck whose family doesn't even love him 8:22 PM 11/14/19 Twitter Web App 344 Retweets 5,243 Likes
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  • 42
    Text - viking @notviking things that aren't personality traits: quoting song lyrics being meta things that are personality traits: waking up with a strange tattoo not sure howi got it . not a dollar in my pocket but it kinda looks just like you mixed with zach galifianakis . 3:27 PM 11/14/19 Twitter for iPhone 1,316 Retweets 11.6K Likes
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  • 43
    Text - Sean Thomason @TheThomason Haha, whoa, Papa John said he ate 40 pizzas in 30 days? Well that's... *glancing around nervously* that's probably too many, right?
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  • 44
    Text - viking @notviking so tell your boyfriend if he says he's got beef that i'm a restaurant owner and would like to locally source my meat products So maybe you can set up a meeting so he can help me provide only the top quality beef to my customers 5:47 PM 11/9/19 Twitter for iPhone 2,139 Retweets 23K Likes
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  • 45
    Cartoon - viking @notviking HAPPENING. A TH нотт 11:01 PM 11/9/19 Twitter for iPhone 241 Retweets 2,325 Likes
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  • 46
    Cobalt blue - <קבזr ACE ATO3A MOTTIUV 21U 20 ИОТТ
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  • 47
    Cartoon - I CAN'T PREVENT THE DRIP .TO ME, (T'S ALREADY HAPPENING A TA IF
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  • 48
    Animation
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  • 49
    Text - Kellen @captainkalvis birds do it bees do it even educated fleas do it let's do it let's fuck in the street 4:57 PM 11/8/19 from Los Angeles, CA Twitter for Android 457 Retweets 4,495 Likes
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  • 50
    Text - Donald J. Trump @realDonaldTrump yo i know who the new isis leader is 3:56 PM Tell me 3:56 PM It's you bro.. 3:56 PM 2 unread messages Fuck Omg this messed me up.. 3:57 PM
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  • 51
    Product - eric curtin @dubstep4dads just thinking about my crush ... wish she would text me
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  • 52
    Text - Boom Blox @Boom_BloxGD Replying to @SluttyAssSloth gummy bear added you to list victims 12:19 PM 11/3/19 Twitter for Android 23 Retweets 194 Likes lI
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  • 53
    Text - Beans After Dark @goodbeanalt no nut november? more like no nut forever. hi my name is joseph and I'm your new youth pastor. anyone hear the new kanye album? 4:43 PM 11/2/19 Twitter for iPhone 5,391 Retweets 48.4K Likes number 1 reply guy @jdchros... 11/2/19 Replying to @goodbeanalt Mike's hard Old Testament t14 312
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  • 54
    Hair - NITY EAR
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  • 55
    Text - jaboukie @jaboukie please be careful tonight. people have been sneaking cbd into halloween candies. there are reports of dozens of children just vibing 8:11 PM 10/31/19 Twitter for iPhone 17.3K Retweets 132K Likes
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  • 56
    Public speaking - Bernie Sanders @BernieSanders No one was supposed to find out about this. The Onion @TheOnion 10/29/19 Bernie Sanders Holds Secret Campaign Meeting With 15,000 Working-Class Democratic Donors trib.al/zdgNSPA A FUTURE TO BELIEVE IN BERNIESANDERS.COM 2:53 PM 10/29/19 Twitter for iPhone 28.7K Retweets 234K Likes
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  • 57
    Speech
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  • 58
    Text - Amanda Knox @amandaknox T hear you, but...prison is prison. Lady Gaga @ladygaga 10/24/19 Fame is prison 9:16 AM 10/25/19 Twitter for Android 14.7K Retweets 157K Likes
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  • 59
    Text - Dan Sheehan @ItsDanSheehan Rudy Giuliani's briefcase has reportedly popped open, spilling loose baked beans into the middle of a busy street 3:44 PM 10/25/19 Twitter for iPhone 1,306 Retweets 12.7K Likes
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  • 60
    Text - The Dad THE DAD @thedad Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight? Dad: *nudging me* that should've been you Me: Not now Dad Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they? Me: Dad, there's a medical emergency happening right now Dad: Go and see if "what up guys" helps
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  • 61
    Text - Bernie Sanders @BernieSanders Ready to fight for Medicare for All Ariana Grande @ArianaGrande - 10/25/19 baby how u feelin 2:56 PM 10/25/19 Twitter Web App . 130K Retweets 662K Likes
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  • 62
    Text - Mara "Get Rid of the Nazis" Wilson @MaraWilson T hope one day someone cares about me as much as gay theater kids posting comments on YouTube videos of cabaret shows care about musical theater divas' vocal chords 9:40 PM 11/15/19 Twitter for iPhone 4 Retweets 116 Likes Mara "Get Rid of the Nazis" W... .5m Their hearts are so PURE 42
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